moving forward.

 

once again time is speeding along. how is it already august? wow. things have been humming along at home. i've been bad about writing and wanting to write more. my intentions are good, but then sometimes i just don't know where to begin or what to even write about. actually, over the past few days i've gotten back to writing just for me. i started a new notebook and today for the first time in a long long time, i sat in starbucks and just wrote. i used to write for myself all the time. i went through stages and many different notebooks (most of which i never finished) when i was younger. but somehow as i've grown, so has that inner nagging voice in my head. you know, that one that pretends to be too grown up to do these things that once brought me so much joy for fear of it being 'stupid' or whatever. ironically it's probably more stupid that i think that doing something i enjoy is stupid. just because i'm not a little kid anymore doesn't mean i have to deny myself the right do things just for the joy of doing them. i just have to remind myself every now and then. enjoy.

for the most part i've been sticking close to home, spending lots of time with my family and catching up on sleep. it feels good to unwind but there are moments where i find myself growing restless. again, probably my own fault for not busying myself more with the things i enjoy like writing and taking pictures and reading and walking outside. i guess it's the comedown from new york. it's crazy, i'm really not sure there is another city like it in the world. it's the buzz, it becomes like adrenaline and truth be known, i think it's madly addictive. but i'm here, and it's good, and i know it will only get better. keep trying to remind myself to breathe a bit deeper and know that everything is perfect and in its right place. the neighbourhood is in bloom and simply beautiful and alive. the colours are ever so vibrant and the sun burns bright almost each and every day. yes, some days perhaps a bit too bright and a bit too hot, but thank god for air conditioning. but the evenings are perfection.

after the whirlwind and emotional upheaval of coming home, things are getting back to normal - for us at least. of course knowing that things will never be the same after all that has happened. that is what's so crazy about death, life goes on whether we want it to or not, or feel like it can or not. it just does. discomforting and sometimes comforting, i waver between the two. that was one of the things i always feel so uncomfortable with when i get home from a long time abroad, the realization that life always will and always does go on without me. it's not that one can ever be replaced, it's just a fact of life. humans are wired for survival, our bodies themselves are even equipped with their own intricate defense systems, so of course it's natural that we find a way to move forward, but i guess it's just one of those things that is still shocking when it happens. all that has happened is something so different than me coming home from a long trip, but it's all the same notion, life goes on. 

i guess it's all been a great and rude reminder. like drea reminded me in her email last week, *every moment counts*. let us not forget that. but we do, and we all will every now and then, but i suppose it's about making a commitment to not forget as much and to just live. do it all. 

july was a turning point for me in many ways and i feel like it was an important period of which i have yet to grasp the true weight of. that is something i know i can only hope to understand with time. perhaps it was a gemini power month if you believe in such things. the geminis close to me all seem to have come into a new light and started to understand and accept their own inner power and rise up. i know not everyone believes in the planetary influence upon us, but for lack of a better description, between june and july there was some pretty crazy shit happening and materializing. forced endings, new beginnings, broken ties, even tragedies. there were three huge eclipses in that period of time. and guess what, eclipses always bring with them the wind of change. and change often is accompanied by a bit of mess here and there, or sometimes alot. they are shifts that can come in many different forms and in many different parts of one's life. i think of the people around me, the people closest to me, and i can say that this is true for most. and perhaps some have a hard time believing the whole astrological explanation, that's totally fair. we can merely sum it up as a huge time of change. i think august is going to be a great month and it's going to be the beginning. the adjustment phase, getting used to the changes that transpired the past few months, getting used to our new set of circumstances. and september is going to be exciting. i think august is about getting things in order, at least for me. setting goals, dreaming, writing things down and being productive. even if that just means going to the gym or getting back to emails on time. i think being productive makes everyone feel good, and as much as i sometimes find the little things oh so tedious, it's these things that help one get the big things done when the time goes. i suppose being productive is all about building one's confidence.

i guess i'm beginning to ramble a bit, but just felt the need to write a little something. it always feels good just to get some words out on the page. reflect a little and share. because afterall, what is life if we aren't sharing?

glitter in the air

Here I am on the train ride home from New York. I’ve been passed out for most of the way. Somehow I always seem to luck out and get my own row, this happens in planes too. I guess no one wants to sit with me? I’m more than okay with it on a trip like this. All I need is me for a trip like this. I got about two hours sleep last night so I guess it makes sense that I passed right out and have been unconscious for the last 7 hours. So grateful that the trip is already half way through. I’ve been thinking about it, and this is the third time in the last three years I’ve taken the train home and it has always been so bittersweet. Sweet because of the people and place that awaits me on the other end of this journey, bitter because a part of me has been in New York from the moment I stepped foot into that vibrant city a couple years ago. From the moment I stepped off that plane I just KNEW I would have to live there one day. I just arrived back a week ago, but I’m being called home and that’s okay. I know I need to be there, even if for nothing else than to support the people I love.

But it’s a nice feeling knowing that I am sad to leave, that a part of me is invested in this place. As I said to Kay last night on the roof of the Gramercy hotel as we were cuddled up on a couch, it feels good, I haven’t quite made New York mine yet, but I will and I’m so so much closer than I was a year ago. And I’m proud of that and there’s been so much change and what not the last few days and I’m proud of myself for finally doing things I’ve needed to do for a while, I just didn’t realize I was strong enough until now. And who knows, maybe I wasn’t strong enough until now, but I lean towards the fact that most of us just rudely underestimate our own power most of the time. It’s a nice feeling to take your own life and your dreams into your own hands. Over the past couple months it’s just been drilled into me over and over again that if I want something in life, it’s up to ME to make it happen, because at the end of the day no one else is going to do it for you, and nor should they.

Without getting into it too much since it’s private and not for me to talk about publicly, the next few days are going to be sad. So sad. I’m trying to brace myself but as I said in my previous post, my stomach has been in knots for days. But it’s not about me and being sad, it’s about so much more than that. In a mere instant, Life just gets so fucking real sometimes. Too real. I guess it’s moments and events like this that make us realize we’re young but we’re not promised tomorrow and life is by no means indebted to us. So go, be better, love more and tell everyone you love them again and again, smile, laugh enjoy and just live. Honour yourself and go for your dreams, not everyone gets that privilege.

I’m just staring out the window and my heart just breaks thinking of the family. Crumbles. The tears start falling more and more the closer I get knowing what awaits me on the other side of this train ride. Count your blessings. 

Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Closed your eyes and trusted, just trusted?
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said, "I just don't care"?


It's only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg
The sun before the burn
The thunder before the lightning
The breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?


Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
You're whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?


It's only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table
The walk before the run
The breath before the kiss
And the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?

Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight?
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself will it ever get better than tonight?
Tonight 
-Pink, Glitter in the air

knots

Well where to begin when it's been so long. I meant to write more while I was home, but home went so fast and though it was perfect, it was alot different than I thought it would be. But that seems so far away now. I sit here on my last night in New York feeling cut up inside. torn. The more I travel, the more I really do wish I could sometimes be in more than one place at a time. But then I suppose that would take away the specialness of a place. And then I guess there would be no such thing as the feeling of belonging somewhere.

But I know it's right to go home, and I want to, but New York is starting to feel cozy too. I feel it. Comfort. So different than the summer before this one. As a friend said to me today, that person who was here last summer no longer exists. I know it's true. Especially after the last few days. Oh the last few days, or even this past week in New York, you feel like you've been a year rather than just a week. Time has flown, it has slowed to a halt and it has disappeared into a some far away place where I will never get it back at points, too. That is New York. I have felt more emotions, deep ones at that, this past week than in a long time. I think there is a large group of us that have. My stomach has been in knots since Sunday and I'm not sure they'll go away any time soon. So much change, so many new and beautiful beginnings, and such deep loss. Sometimes loss seems impossible to process. I can't even begin to imagine the depths of this type of loss either. I can't. I hope I never will understand it. But I know we all wish we could make it better. Make the pain go away. Take these wonderful people's pain and make it into something beautiful again. Oh how I wish it were that simple.

Today was symbolic in a lot of ways as I shed part of the past and walked away lighter than I've been in so long. But then again, it all seems so trivial to a point. Actually that's what gave me strength to go through with it. Life is too short as is. And that is something that we are all to obviously being reminded of right now. There is so much swirling around in my head right now, I know the train ride will be good for me to just sit and reflect and breathe and write. It's such a long ride, but it's beautiful, the scenery is amazing and I'm going to the place I need to be right now so I give my family each the biggest hugs ever. That's just how it's supposed to be. I miss you New York already.

letting go

i haven't posted in a minute, i know it's been a while. but i guess that what happens when your stuff is scattered around the city and jumping beds and barely getting to check your email let alone sit down and post something or write. i sit writing this from my bed at home(real home). it's kind of like that post i wrote what seems like forever ago while sitting in chloe's kitchen in ottawa, measuring the life of a traveler by the number of beds one has slept in in any given period of time. i've only been in new york two months and already i've slept in so many different beds and places. again, not in a promiscuous way, more crashing here and there and every where, going with the flow and being open to whatever, living out of my purse.

the last couple weeks have been great. mostly ups, some downs. the only thing that has been pretty constant is my going to the gym every day and making sure i phone my mom every other day or so. but i need those couple things to keep me in check, make me feel like i have something to ground into. last week was my birthday and it was wonderful. it was interesting and surprising and fun and perfect in a lot of ways. i never expect much for birthdays, actually i don't know that i really care for them. every night/day can be about me if i want it to, but then when it comes down to it, and the designated day that is actually about me, i don't know, the whole concept is a bit frightening. silly gemini. this was my second birthday in new york and i loved both of them. they were both ultra special not because of where i was, but because of who i was surrounded by, but then again, that's life right? kinda funny that both years a good friend from hong kong was in town too. i guess just to make sure i was especially taken care of on my special day. i had a wonderful night ringing in my birthday with kaylee whom i adore more than words can say. she spoiled me and treated me and yeah, we just drank until we couldn't drink anymore high above the city. i woke up in her princess bed and she made breakfast for me and rizzi. i kind of felt like i was running around like a chicken with my head cut off during the day, but i still made it to the gym and met kaylee again for more birthday cocktails. then dinner where a couple of my worlds got to collide for a bit. it's funny when that happens. i guess traveling i've unintentionally created, all these separate worlds. separate trips. separate places and people. 

i didn't last long into the night on my actual birthday, i'm not a good day drinker i suppose. but it was perfect. i didn't need to be out late, and i was happy to be where i was and in the company i was with. it ended perfectly and not what i would have pictured in a million years but only because i wouldn't have thought it a possibility. the most important thing is that it was seamless and easy and comfortable, even if a few parts of the rest of the weekend didn't feel like that. it's funny though how things work out. just when you've almost forgotten or left the past be, sometimes it comes up and jabs you when you least expect it, just to remind you that though it might not be the now, sometimes it's still relevant. don't get me wrong, i'm not about clutching or clinging to the past, all i'm saying is sometimes you want to forget, but it just won't let you. and maybe it's more than anything that you can't leave the lessons you've learned behind, and those lessons all come with a story that gives those lessons more weight and value. like a scar, scars don't just come out of nowhere, there's always a story behind the mark, a good one normally at that. i'm not sure i'm articulating this well without delving into it, but i guess what i'm trying to say is that sometimes it's easy to overlook things and detach yourself from external circumstances that you know are there but aren't placed right in front of you, but the fact is they hang over like a rain cloud, and even if it never really does pour rain down on you, it still causes shade, blocking the light from getting in. again, it's not really worth going into and i guess it's way more open and personal than i'm willing to get here, but yeah, i guess i'll sum it up by saying even though i want to forget the past in alot of ways, i guess i can't and i guess i realised letting go and forgetting are two very different things. 

i was also reminded to just say and do the things you want and feel, because this moment and the circumstances it provides you with is only here for an instant, and before you know it, there are oceans between you and it. you also have and can never really have an exact idea of what someone else thinks or feels and that can be scary, but fuck it, just go for it. life is too short to worry about scaring someone off. that's their problem. my favourite people are the ones that wear their heart on their sleeves. i don't know if i know any other way to be.

ran around monday collecting stuff, transporting stuff and packing stuff. all the not so fun stuff. but saw a couple of my favourite faces which made it all the better.

and then tuesday i finally got to hear myself think. home for a week. so so so happy. i need it. i need to just sit and breathe and think and be with me in my safe place. i love new york and i love the pace but it is exhausting and sometimes all you need is a bit of a breather. i'm looking forward to reassessing and just giving myself some time to write it all down, feel myself out and be with my family and friends and maybe even sleep like a normal person. i want to be a normal kid and watch tv with my mom (i can't remember the last time i watched tv), go for a wander with my dad, catch a movie with my brother and see my best friends who i love endlessly and who love me back infinitely. 

sigh so happy to be exactly where i am.